So I was recently called fat. I wish as a 55 year old man it didn’t bother me but it did. In fact it was as though I was 13 again and listening to the mean spirited comments so common on playgrounds everywhere.
Two years ago in the midst of turmoil and life turning upside down my weight dropped because I lost the desire to eat. I don’t want the turmoil but when I look at the picture of me speaking a couple weeks ago I feel great pain and shame.
I know I’m fat. I know it everyday when i stand in my closet and look at my clothes trying to decide which shirt and pants would be the least uncomfortable. I know it when I buckle my belt and have no holes left. I know it when I am around people. I know it when I look at pictures or in the mirror.
It hurts and yet it has been a life-long struggle for me. There have always been suggestions by others to help me but in reality it comes down to my head and heart.
How can I get my head and my heart to be all in?
How can I force myself to ignore the impulse to eat when I really am not hungry?
How can I overcome the emotional factors that call for me to eat. Some days it is stress and other days it is the voice of peace, love and contentment that call for me to eat; to celebrate and to be satisfied.
Here is what I am doing. I started yesterday. It came to me in one of those moments. I will slow down and pause before sticking any food in my mouth. I am going to offer a prayer to God not just of thanksgiving but of consecration. I am going to ask myself why I am eating this and what it will do for me. Is it healthy or just comforting in some way. I am desperate and I must do this. I can’t afford new clothes when I have hangers of stuff I just can’t fit into. So I am off on the journey and hopeful. Taking deep breaths and determined for this to work. Why on earth am I sharing this? Because I welcome accountability and knowing I’ve published this will help me in the long run. Speaking of long run . . .I need to get moving.